The Not-So-Deep South
December 2000
Greetings Holiday Fans, Family, and Fiends, uh... Friends,
This is your friend and mine, Duchess, once again taking paws to keyboard to bring you my annual Christmas update of happenings here at the Miller-Younkin household in the Old Dominion. As I’m sure I pointed out in the past, typing with paws on a keyboard designed for human hands is not easy. My good buddy Derek suggested that I take the easy way out this year and just send out the letter I wrote two years ago. To quote Derek, “See if anyone notices.” Interesting point (even if it’s from a cynic). So I have decided to do a test this year. Half of you will receive this year’s letter and the other half the 1998 letter, starting with the next paragraph. Here comes the really good part. Any of you receiving the 1998 letter who correctly identify it as such and let me know by midnight, December 31, 2000, will receive a free millennium cruise to Eastern Ubizkistan courtesy of yours truly and the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Canine Poets). I think that such a magnanimous gesture by me will not only be a great way to celebrate the Holidays, but also the start of the Third Millennium! (And shame on all of you who fell for all the fraudulent media spin about the third millennium, i.e., the 21st century, starting January 1, 2000. If you believe that, I have an authentic ancient Roman coin dated 14 B.C. to sell you.) Okay, on with my traditional Christmas update on what happened down here this past year (or was it two years ago–heh, heh, heh)!
Last Christmas, for the first time ever, Jim put up outside Christmas lights. No, our house didn’t get included on the Tacky Lights Christmas Tour–as a matter of fact one of Derek’s friends actually laughed at Jim’s effort–but, hey, it was Jim’s first attempt. The really big thing on Christmas was that Devon cooked the family a yummy turkey dinner, and Derek and Devon set a new record by waking Jean and Jim up at 4:30 a.m. Christmas morning!
January was a memorable month. Derek completed his Scout project for the rank of Eagle just one week before the blizzard of 2000 hit. (Yes, Uncle Gary, we do occasionally get snow here–like 12" of it that day). No school for over a week! And then 5 days later, an hour before the Super Bowl, the ice storm of 2000 hit and we lost power for three days (and missed seeing the Super Bowl). Devon spent the time making “worry dolls” and Derek learned to play bridge.
The approach of spring found Devon finishing up basketball (she went out for basketball, but they already had one so she ended up being a player) and Derek applying to the specialty high schools as this was his last year in middle school. Derek played the bull in the school play, Narnia (Devon calls him a cow). Imagine a talking bull (not to be confused with someone “talking bull”); typing dogs I can see, but talking bulls–get out of here!
Last spring Devon completed the Red Cross Babysitting class (I don’t see what the big deal is–sitting on babies is easy), got interested in topology after seeing Fantasia 2000 (don’t ask–all I know is that it’s something to do with turning a sphere inside out) and learned to play chess. Derek had his Eagle Court of Honor where he graduated from eaglet to big bird (understand, we’re all real proud of him, but why the Eagle rank, why not the Hound rank?) A one act play he wrote for Drama class got accepted for an award at the Theater of Virginia and we got to see the censored version of it preformed last summer (well, actually I didn’t get to see it--they didn’t allow dogs in that crummy, old theater). Derek also got accepted at the Governors School for Government and International Studies (which I found ironic as Derek really doesn’t care that much either for government or international studies) and Devon got to shear a sheep–and why I grouped those two items in the same sentence I haven’t a clue.
Derek completed his second season of refereeing soccer and miraculously has yet to be physically assaulted by a rabid parent protesting one of his calls (verbal assaults aplenty though). I keep suggesting to Derek that he wear his glasses while refereeing, but he says it’s more challenging without them. Devon continues to do Hip-Hop (don’t ask, I haven’t a clue as to what that is), and she and cousin Sean have taught me several new tricks like safe cracking (Sean) and needlework (Devon).
Derek again attended the state Virginia Junior Academy of Science convention, but since his project was way over the judges’ heads, he didn’t win anything this year.
In June, Uncle Dick passed away. Although I never had the pleasure of meeting Uncle Dick, Jim always said he was the greatest uncle in the world, and that means to me that he must have been. I share in the family’s sorrow for we sure all miss him.
And what you may well ask did Jean and Jim do this year? Jean’s still teaching preschool, playing tennis, and learning how to cook from Devon. Jim’s company’s name has changed so often that he’s not sure who he works for any more. He passed up an opportunity to take an early retirement package last spring which just goes to show that even nuclear engineers do dumb things.
Yes, there are still four (yes, I said FOUR!) cats living here. The good news is that one day Jim threw that little terror Frisco out with the trash (Frisco likes to sleep in grocery bags one of which Jim mistook for a bag of trash). The bad news is that Jim discovered his error a few minutes later when he opened the dumpster to deposit more trash.
Cousins Sean and Shannon came down to visit in July, then Aunt Donna, Aunt Polly and her dog (or at least I think it was a dog), and cousins Jennifer and Logan also arrived and the governor of Virginia declared a state of emergency. Somehow, everyone survived a trip together to Busch Gardens (except for Jim who did the sensible thing and instead went to work).
Last summer Devon found two stolen bikes and a lost bunny, all of which were returned to the rightful owners thanks to Devon’s efforts. I would prefer that instead of finding things, she work on losing a few cats from this house (like throwing them out with the trash).
Derek did a week of high adventure with the Scouts at Camp Powhatan in July–falling out of boats, falling off cliffs, and drowning in rapids–but, hey, that’s what Scouting is all about. Devon got contact lenses and her first babysitting job now that she can see again.
In August everyone abandoned me (it was off to the penal colony for two weeks for me and Frisco–apparently for some strange reason they trust the other three cats to stay at home–these people are sick) while they (the sickos that is) went to Myrtle Beach and Orlando to have a good time.
Devon graduated both from elementary school and Indian Princesses this year, and started Cotillion (for all you non-Southerners that’s a formal dance program that anyone who is anybody in Richmond attends–it’s a Southern thing). My little girl is growing up. Sniff, sniff. Excuse me while I blow my nose. Snort! Snort!
In October Grandpa paid us a visit (haven’t seen him in ages–and he’s still the best looking grandpa in the world). The next day Devon and Derek started Zen Judo. I’m not sure but I suspect there’s a connection between the two events. Jim, Derek and Devon went trick-or-treating again this year (yes, I said Jim) and one of Derek’s friends caught on fire (I’m not making this up). Jim said it served him right for criticizing Jim’s outside Christmas lighting last year.
Aunt Ginny Lee and cousins Sean and Shannon joined us for an early Thanksgiving feast last month, with Shannon and Devon doing most of the work and Sean eating most of the food (like not even a table scrap left for yours truly). Luckily, Jean managed to keep him away from the dog food.
Well, as usual, so much has happened this year, that it was only possible to touch on some of the highlights in this short epistle. We’re looking forward to a great Holiday Season here. Once again we-all wish you-all a great Christmas and fabulous New Years (and new millennium!), and I guess we can no longer chide you northern kin about never coming to visit–just you western kin (you reading this Uncle Gary and Aunt Pat?)
Place paw prints and signatures here.
P.S. As part of the Holiday spirit let me again repeat some timeless wisdom from the canine creed on how to achieve Peace On Earth and that is, “Even a single cat is one too many.”